Will it ever be the same again?

I only remember the nights from my youth, brain blanked daylight as an unfathomable force, sending signals to future me in Morse.

Now the sunlight burns my eyes, igniting the vision of wreckage I left on the sea, then all becomes clear the need to flee.

So time to take to the skies in a stolen Cessna, five hundred foot level ignoring ground control, shoot me now F16 … I’ve lost my soul.

D Nov 2017

    Cussing Concussion

    So I’ve been absent sometime. So reasons. Actually not mental health based. Recently my cpn declared my bi-polar as ‘in remission’ and I’m about to be discharged from the mental health services and back to the GP. Which is a major win. Taking a long effort of the right meds, environment, meditation, counselling and pure bloody mindedness to get well.

    No, what I actually did to take me out of action is cutting down a small tree with a bow saw only to stand straight up into, at full force, the last remaining tree limb, that was half cut with a sharp tounge that dug in the the top of my head! After the blood was cleared away the wound was not to bad but I was heavily concussed. That then went into post concussion syndrome. Something your more prone to get if you have a history of poor mental health, yay!

    I spent 2 weeks in bed, the world spinning on its axis, unable to tolerate sunlight, noise, movement. Could only walk with the aid of my hiking stick’s. With the headache from hell. Very very slowly I’ve recovered, I only started driving again two weeks ago, walking without a stick last week, listening to music without getting a pounding headache Monday, and just yesterday using the big computer to continue my Java and android studies. I did manage to care for my daughter during half term despite this and not got totally back on the downside because I had/couldn’t find anyway to keep myself occupied while sitting in a dark, quiet room for weeks.

    So that’s my end of summer. I hope you beautiful people on WordPress have had a better time of it. I have read the odd post but it’s been hard to engage. Hopefully this will be a turning point and I can put some effort back in.

    Anyway PCS sucks, and there is in fact a big difference between a clinical depression and an injury that’s just making down right miserable.

    Take care all,

    D x

    Half of what I’ve seen

    My head’s in a vice, no way to break this artifice, punishing headache, to make or break it this time.

    Maybe the drugs, maybe the illness, weeks of living without fullfilness. Needles tear at my arm as they extract the reason of harm.

    I look at the world through half closed eyes, so tired, so mired, so sick of feeling this way. I used to half a lot to say … Now silence. Hiding the violence that rages inside.

    Peace is a transient thing, like love on a new wing. I hold back all the tears for everything I could have been, but honestly, you would not believe half of what I’ve seen.

    D July 2017

    Typhoon

    They whisper in my ear, shaking my fragile sanity, siren calling my name, pointing out my egos vanity. I see shadows where there are none, they said these pills would put out the sun.

    Maybe it’s my lineage, a family of narcissistic self interested tribe, I had always tried to hide, from them … Their duty, their attacks on my mind.

    How fragile the soul, shored up with tinderstick beleif, but as I hold back a tear from the chaos, your image brings relief. A safe harbor from an impending typhoon, your heart, your breath, your lifes calming tune.

    D Jun 2017

    How

    StockSnap_A6LNAZ887ZThe systems mucked up,
    your out of true luck,
    burnt the last trick,
    skin only so thick,
    shut it down now,
    if I only knew how.

    Look In the mirror and realize,
    there is no other way to summarize,
    it’s all there in your eyes.

    The data is stuck backwards,
    looking for the forwards,
    the centrality’s lost control,
    forcing your empty soul,
    to shut it down now,
    if I only knew how.

    Look to the darkened sky and freeze,
    nothing left for you do but seize,
    the last dying moments of disease.

    The constructs screwed for good,
    came tumbling like I knew it would,
    last black box failed,
    no new god will be hailed,
    shut it down now,
    we all know how.

    D 2013

    (The world just seems crazy out there if you look at the news to much, this old poem just reminded me that maybe sometimes you just have to switch off.)

    Desert Rain

    I waited in the desert of your mind, with my banner battered in the sand storms. I never thought you would come back and break this solid form.

    Now the desert grows wild flowers and rains have come to pour, when we finally embraced after so long I could of wished for no more.

    So stay and be next me and feel the tremor of the earth, for now it spins around us and once again we are close.

    D Jun 2017

    The last island

    I stand an island now, wrecked by your tsunami, it makes the conversation hard, with your quips ready like an army.

    You know I used to braver, I used to have two good legs, I had my honour and my armour, and I’m not going to break and beg.

    I don’t won’t to stir your anger, bare skin ready for your arrows, so I lay shipwrecked on my own sorrows. Island of myself, but in it I find a grain of wealth.

    Time will erode these feelings, and in the end it will put in the past all our shit dealings.

    I’m alone but I fear no more, I’m broken but I fear no more, I’m alive and breathing, so I fear no more.

    I stand an island and lifes waters caress my shores, and I fear no more.

    D Jun 2017