Birth From The Ashes

So as I destroy part of my digital foot print (FB, LinkedIn), as it seems to be nothing but lots of seperate little ponds presented as the illusion of interconnected seas. Filled with fish unaware of the hooks. I now embark on my new buisness venture. 

I’m loving every minute of this freedom.

Take care D

This is Drowning

Plague my nights rising to the surface choking, blitzed from a dream to reality holding to focus floating.

Five times a night she screws me over sweat soaking, no valentine from this era my stamina is beyond breaking.

This is not waving, not even paddling, I stopped breathing again this evening. Every night I find new ways of drowning.

D Dec 2017

Meeting in the Dark

I meet her in the dark corners of the web, I listened to everything she said. She was a star, a ten, a letter from a friend.

She was Russian, Chinese, American, Scandavian, all places at once but from nowhere. Running a rigged pyramid game that was no way fair.

Firewalls burned, routers fried, tinkers and taylors played eye spy. I’m sure I saw her bring bombs down from the sky.

Now as the dust settles and screens, one by one go blank, I wonder if she existed at all. She seemed like such a delicate thing to bring down every wall.

D Dec 2017

Will it ever be the same again?

I only remember the nights from my youth, brain blanked daylight as an unfathomable force, sending signals to future me in Morse.

Now the sunlight burns my eyes, igniting the vision of wreckage I left on the sea, then all becomes clear the need to flee.

So time to take to the skies in a stolen Cessna, five hundred foot level ignoring ground control, shoot me now F16 … I’ve lost my soul.

D Nov 2017

    Cussing Concussion

    So I’ve been absent sometime. So reasons. Actually not mental health based. Recently my cpn declared my bi-polar as ‘in remission’ and I’m about to be discharged from the mental health services and back to the GP. Which is a major win. Taking a long effort of the right meds, environment, meditation, counselling and pure bloody mindedness to get well.

    No, what I actually did to take me out of action is cutting down a small tree with a bow saw only to stand straight up into, at full force, the last remaining tree limb, that was half cut with a sharp tounge that dug in the the top of my head! After the blood was cleared away the wound was not to bad but I was heavily concussed. That then went into post concussion syndrome. Something your more prone to get if you have a history of poor mental health, yay!

    I spent 2 weeks in bed, the world spinning on its axis, unable to tolerate sunlight, noise, movement. Could only walk with the aid of my hiking stick’s. With the headache from hell. Very very slowly I’ve recovered, I only started driving again two weeks ago, walking without a stick last week, listening to music without getting a pounding headache Monday, and just yesterday using the big computer to continue my Java and android studies. I did manage to care for my daughter during half term despite this and not got totally back on the downside because I had/couldn’t find anyway to keep myself occupied while sitting in a dark, quiet room for weeks.

    So that’s my end of summer. I hope you beautiful people on WordPress have had a better time of it. I have read the odd post but it’s been hard to engage. Hopefully this will be a turning point and I can put some effort back in.

    Anyway PCS sucks, and there is in fact a big difference between a clinical depression and an injury that’s just making down right miserable.

    Take care all,

    D x

    Half of what I’ve seen

    My head’s in a vice, no way to break this artifice, punishing headache, to make or break it this time.

    Maybe the drugs, maybe the illness, weeks of living without fullfilness. Needles tear at my arm as they extract the reason of harm.

    I look at the world through half closed eyes, so tired, so mired, so sick of feeling this way. I used to half a lot to say … Now silence. Hiding the violence that rages inside.

    Peace is a transient thing, like love on a new wing. I hold back all the tears for everything I could have been, but honestly, you would not believe half of what I’ve seen.

    D July 2017

    Typhoon

    They whisper in my ear, shaking my fragile sanity, siren calling my name, pointing out my egos vanity. I see shadows where there are none, they said these pills would put out the sun.

    Maybe it’s my lineage, a family of narcissistic self interested tribe, I had always tried to hide, from them … Their duty, their attacks on my mind.

    How fragile the soul, shored up with tinderstick beleif, but as I hold back a tear from the chaos, your image brings relief. A safe harbor from an impending typhoon, your heart, your breath, your lifes calming tune.

    D Jun 2017

    How

    StockSnap_A6LNAZ887ZThe systems mucked up,
    your out of true luck,
    burnt the last trick,
    skin only so thick,
    shut it down now,
    if I only knew how.

    Look In the mirror and realize,
    there is no other way to summarize,
    it’s all there in your eyes.

    The data is stuck backwards,
    looking for the forwards,
    the centrality’s lost control,
    forcing your empty soul,
    to shut it down now,
    if I only knew how.

    Look to the darkened sky and freeze,
    nothing left for you do but seize,
    the last dying moments of disease.

    The constructs screwed for good,
    came tumbling like I knew it would,
    last black box failed,
    no new god will be hailed,
    shut it down now,
    we all know how.

    D 2013

    (The world just seems crazy out there if you look at the news to much, this old poem just reminded me that maybe sometimes you just have to switch off.)