Is more medication always the answer?


Apparently yes if you ask the professionals. I mean its obvious I’m on the down side of a bipolar ride and it’s getting worse and yes I do feel thankful I’m getting some medical help but it does not seem to help with the feeling that my soul is burnt out. I still laugh and smile but its a facade on an old familiar building.
I know my life could be a lot worse. I’m not in Aleppo getting shelled, I’m not at standing rock facing off the police. I’m just here in little England feeling feelings that have no logic to the reality I face. In fact if I had some great cause to fight for I might feel better about it all. Feeling with meaning instead of just feeling.

So I’ll take the extra pills tonight and see what tomorrow brings. Maybe by dawn some spiritual revelation will happen about where or what I’m supposed to be doing. Currently I’m just a statistic in this western psychiatric machine.

One thing, I’m glad I’m here and alive. It’s not that bad yet and I guess without the dark you don’t notice the light. To be able to experience it all without fidgeting like a jack hammer would be nice.

Oh and thankyou to those who have read my posts and commented and liked. It is appreciated. Like some strange online self-help group its good just to make that human contact.

Peace

D

Power Drain

So they wired me up to see how I tick,

So many labels to prove that I’m sick.

They adjust this they adjust that,

What were they looking for in my mind?

They forced in this and they forced in that,

Then they said I was the one whose unkind.

So I take this bitter seat,

Performing temperance great feats,

The power drain begins to eat,

Everything from my head to feet.

D Nov 2016

(I’m in a bit of a foul mood but at least its inspired the first bit of poetry out of me in three years. Tomorrow is another day hey!)

Actually…

… I don’t appreciate being wrapped up in my families personal dramas. It instills great waves of anguish about the way I was treated the first time I was diagnosed with a mental health problem and to see them close ranks on someone else who really needs help leaves a bad feeling in my gut. Also I feel helpless as I know if I reach out to this person I would be deemed as taking sides.

Fortunately I moved a hundred miles away from the city they live in and their ‘issues’ a year ago and am afforded some protection but it doesn’t help the tension and the fact I’m back on the clomazpam. I had done really well to get off it this summer and I feel it’s falling apart a bit.

All I can do is breathe, breathe … In and out ….

I don’t if anyone else has such issues with family dynamics? It really messes with my flow.

Peace

D

One More Turn To Go

img_2394

The wind presses on my crash helmet,
cold seeping in through torn leather,
ice forming on fingers,
biking through all weathers.

One more turn to go,
till home.
So long ago the start,
from home.
One more turn to go,
till warm.
So many hours gone now,
since warm.

Like a wisp I pass on the road.
Dodge the cars in psycho mode.
Frozen engine, frozen tarmac.
Wishing away the thought of wreck.

One more turn to go,
till home.
So long ago the start,
from home.
One more turn to go,
on the run.
So many hours gone now,
since jumping the gun.

Drag a sodden boot on the kerb,
Swearing at the big rig with blue words,
sending sparks from metal on granite,
feeling just slightly manic.

One more turn to go,
till home,
pushing my broken body and ride home ….

D 2013

(Really missing my motorcycle today. I miss the freedom it gives me and being in that moving air, even if it is freezing. Though I promised not to get another one till my Daughter was a bit older I’ve just spent the morning looking at the classifieds. So shiny …)

What an earth are you listening to …

… Says my wife as I sit with my headphones on nodding gently.

“Bad pop, yes it is uncool!”

Seriously I’m over forty now and can have the luxury of listening to what ever I like without having to stay in some cool clique. I’ll get back to Nine Inch Nails later, right now I need cheesey pop to cheer me up. Also I like Rainbow Dash as well, and so does my daughter and she thinks daddy’s cool.

I confess …

Peace

D

Cold Dawn

meadow

So this dawn will break without my existence,
for the light of the new day I have no resistance.

As clouds part there ways for from mist and fog,
as I realize I’m just kicking the black dog.

So this morning will pass without my permission,
and my illness stirs from its remission.

As minds part their ways from sanity stays,
I know that this feeling could on for days.

D 2013

(The morning after an over active brain night when you realize what the hell you were thinking.)

Weather Warning

I feel momentum in the way my mind is wandering. So I’m going to try to stick with just the way I feel with this post. I have noticed a few trigger points for me these past few weeks. Tearing my website down, starting a new blog and prolifically posting, being tense for no good reason, the ominous feeling the world might explode at any point and I think wanting to erase Facebook was the real alarm. I’ve been here before and usually as the winter draws in. All signs that my Dragon is on the move. 

Sometimes its just a blip, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Really I just have to be aware enough not to overreact. Regards Facebook I just deleted the app off my phone instead of closing my account. I disabled you tube as well so I don’t disappear off down some insane conspiracy hole. Tonight I will be happy if I can sleep for more than a couple of hours without waking but my sleep has been terrible for weeks. It’s all a bit mixed up and I just need an anchor. I know I’ll still be here tomorrow. Whether I straighten and steer clear of the rocks I don’t know.

I have made my mind up about this blog, I’m not going to try and tart it up as some piece of cutting edge commentary or art, neither as a well researched academic output. It’s just me, my bipolar mind and maybe some self pitying poetry. Really it’s totally selfish. I need a voice for now, welcome along for the ride if you have read this far.

Peace

D