I’m in a weird state of mind now as I seem to have lost something that I never really wanted but now is gone.
Almost two years ago I developed this weird auditory hallucination/delusion. When it was quiet, I thought I could hear a low subsonic rumble coming from under me, sometimes next to me. About 500 meters away. At first I put it down to some kind of machinery in my or someone else’s house. It was just on the verge of my hearing and was easily drowned out by other noises. In fact it only really affected me when I tried to meditate. So I started using music in my meditations to cover it up. Other times it would get so loud I would have to check with my wife to see if she could hear it but she said no. Then I moved house a year ago and the noise followed me. So I knew for sure it was in my head and not something external.
I grew used to ignoring it. Wrapping it up as just some fun side effect of my bipolar. It was easy to cover it up with noise even if it meant listening to Nine Inch Nails while meditating (which probably wasn’t great choice of music for my mood if I was down, I had the choice to use more mellow music but there you go).
And here’s the big but …
… I noticed last night it had gone!
The grinding thumping sound that had irritated my senses for so long … Silenced.
And I have no idea why. Also I feel kind of lost without it as it was always there, in the background. I’m actually afraid to meditate again in case my mind and true silence don’t get on.
It’s a surreal experience. One of many in my life. I’m taking the angle that it’s actually a liberation and maybe a sign to the end of a down cycle that’s lasted for a year. Who knows, is there any point in even trying to figure it out?