Tulpa

girl-1530967_1920Blast my way through this oil slick, your not the only one with a boomstick.
Office towers fall and sink holes open the road, the tyrant is about to explode.
Standing ten stories tall, my tulpa wipes the unclean away, nothing to make it fall.

Yes it could of been done the easy way, but you cast the of finger blame my way,
So now here we are, a city destroyed by its own anger, violence, don’t pander …

… my intention was clear, I want what you stole, seven years of my soul.
Humiliation turns revenge, and in the end, there was no other way for it to be.

D March 2017

Spring Rains

Embrace me, surround me, fill my lungs with your violet scent, send a shiver down my spine, make it how it was ment.

I admit I got lost somewhere along the line, easy for soul to drift out to sea, you fought hard against the strong undercurrent, just so we could be.

But now that tether that binds us seems frayed, withering, undone. So hold tighter before we vanish in the fog, let dawn break with warming sun …

… And maybe like the first spring flower were bloom again, and love will stay and not get washed away by the spring rains.

D March 2017

Damage

aphyxYour won’t believe me but OK, it wasn’t meant to be this way,
maybe I could have stopped in my tracks, listen to your say.
You saw the wall I was about drive into, no brakes on this one,
but there it is, what can I do for hurt I’ve already done?

So the past bounces around my head like dodging flying lead,
I wish I could get your face out of mind, there’s secrets no one should find.
If never stops, this assault, how’d i get this ghost, was it all my fault?

Primal chaos rules my life, anger and calm, wash over me like waves in a storm.

I need you just to take my hand and say it’s OK, instead your walking away, all of five feet to plug into the latest buzz on TV.

D March 2017

When the moral is low

Do you even care anymore, about these people’s lives you have in your hand. Do you realize that you are the end, the last barricade between over the edge and where we stand.

Have you become so sullen that we’re just numbers on a spreadsheet, do you know we’ve been waiting so long to see you in the rain and sleet.

Who gave you such complete control over my path, I hate to say it but I need your help. But I will not forget this lack of compassion and in the silence you won’t hear me yelp.

D March 2017

Appointment

I just had to compress 20 years of mental health history into a 20 minute appointment. Stressful, but at least I got the help I needed this time, the drugs that make me sleep like nearly all the time are being replaced with something else. It will be nice wake up in the morning without the drug cloud on my head and not get the munchies in the middle of the night.

I’m kinda nervous about the change and maybe I’m putting to much faith in it but to honest I could not continue this way. I need to be there for my Daughter in the morning not walking round like the undead. Shame I had to raise an official complaint about my psychiatrist to get him into action. Still that’s the NHS lottey, sometimes you get the greatest most committed members of staff, sometimes you get someone who you wonder how the hell they ever got the job.

So as this change happens my posts will no doubt reflect it. Sometimes I wonder if these drugs actually change my personality, will I be the same me, guess time will tell.

Peace be upon you,

D

No I Will Not Fix Your Computer

There are millions of computer configurations running billions of different types of software. Never say your good with computers. Because apparently your supposed to be able to problem solve these machines over the telephone and know exactly what one of these trillion combinations you’re dealing with.

The irony is I’m self taught and not ‘qualified’ enough to work in the industry. That’s fine, you can fix your own computer I can continue my adventures on the dark net with the part of the population who actually know what their doing.

I do have a rule that only family get support now but the 3 hours I just spent on the phone to mum could have been spent doing my chores and having a bath. Now I’m all out of sync to tackle my demon psychiatrist tomorrow. Oh well there’s always clonazpam.

Pop’s lid ….

Peace

D

Ocean

july2011 158Ocean wave carry my body on the universe.
Wishing so hard that I did not carry a curse.
Calm wind blow on my skin, raise hairs.
Feel the tingling and wish away the cares.
Breath soft feather light air into lungs.
Betray the feeling of being ever hung.

By course I should drown,
disappear without a sound.
Still not ready to fall down,
not going down.

Some things are short,
like these moments of peace,
that slip in-between the gaps,
of a life that is do distort.

Ocean carry me across the stars,
away from the pain so very very far….

D 2014

Message to the past

What would I tell my younger self, take less of acid and read more wisdom. Don’t be so gullible, some friends are not confidants.

Don’t give into the dragon that wails inside you, she paints a dark world, she swirls and roars but you can fight on through …

… And stay the hell away from psychiatrists.

D March 2017

Being Here

Just sitting by you makes the hairs on my arms shiver, my heart beats fast and I sweat a little. I’ll never have the courage to tell you way I feel but somehow your presence makes me feel a little more real.

I try to talk to you with the power of my thoughts, these social constraints are enough to make me faint. We’ve been sitting in silence for hours and you turn to me and say ‘I like you being here.’ …I’m stunned and gone is the fear.

D March 2017