V for Volunteer

So armistice day has past and no I did not wear a poppy. I know the shock, but I have a very good reason.

My grandfather volunteered for the RAF as soon as the second world war broke out. He was issued with a V for his lapel to distinguish this fact from the constripts. Later in the war he was forced to return the V as it seemed to cause to much friction. So he and the rest of his flight crew punched holes in there new issues of uniforms to show where the V had been.

He was a quiet hero and never collected his medals at the end of the war saying ‘we all bloody got those’.

This may be construed as snobbery but when I see someone with giant poppy on there car bonnet I can see his point. Anyone can buy a poppy but not everyone can actually remember the total carnage of war and how it affectes everyone even to this day.

Peace D

Never quit, quitting…

For the probably 20th time I’m on the wagon with the cigarettes. 42 hours on, so far and only one smoke when someone in the household really stressed me this morning. I’m using patches and mouth spray because I’m so horribly addicted to nicotine but as the hours go by I’m using the spray less. I may just make it.

I was inspired by the fact that my daughter is now old enough to work out why I have to keep ‘popping’ outside. Also I reduced my pain killers for my AS from 30mg of codien to 8! According to my doctor that’s pretty hardcore as codien is harder to get off than heroin and they become ineffective against pain after 6 months anyway (well the pain is shifted to a different area of the brain) Still she said there’s thousands of people addicted to zapain all over the country. I now use ice packs for instant pain relief. It works!

My sense of smell has already improved and I’m breathing easier, I was a real heavy smoker and sometimes you just have to go for it because there is always an excuse not to quit.

As for my coffee … Hands off! That’s my last refuge of addiction.

Peace D

Deadends

So I tried to get focused on prose writing some months back and also started a new blog with the hopes of getting my technical paranoia out on that. Both dead ends as my last two poems have drawn a few likes here on the bipolar by cola site and it was really cathartic writing them. So I guess this where I’ll be… For now (shame I can’t refund the other site though, bipolar overspend again! And the novel remains half written. Maybe that’s a good thing)

Peace D

Between you and me….

It is not worth remembering, the way you moved the walls, bent the halls, stood so tall… Over me.

I know you can lash out at any time and make me know pain, from insane to sane and back again. Your credentials hold but I do not wain.

I’m heading straight to fortress, the trees make my buttress, you can scorch the land, turn my body to sand…

… But you don’t see my old man watching me from up there, bringing me peace and making it fair.

Keep your faith rooms, while I’ll just keep the faith.

D November 2018

Walk

I have to walk the talk, but when I get there my lips remain shut.

Who am I to shatter the ambivalent nature of my rut.

In densely packed woods I can let out a quiet sigh, just maybe this once I have outrun the spies.

The mud here is perfect for a shallow grave, if they come, but just watching the flailing of my mind is good enough for some.

I put my head against the tree, old oak, older than me. This how I know you don’t need eyes to see.

And in the distance the bark of a dog … I have to walk the talk … Just to lose myself and drive myself out of town with a pitch fork.

D November 2018

Small Wins

So I went swimming today and managed a few lengths, despite my AS killing me in the shoulder and spine and the fact there were other people in the pool. It’s not that I don’t like people it’s just there random and unpredictable. I love good company but go into meltdown whenever I’m near to many. Ironically I used to be a party person surrounded by dancing nutters to loud drum and bass.

How things change.

Anyway if I make it again to the pool I might actually qualify as someone who swims! My god a hobby that isn’t based on technology.

Oh and the pool shower has turned my hair into a cloud again, maybe I should also practice at man who gets his haircut.

Peace

D

Microlapse

When you start thinking you’re relapsing because of a physical illness pulling you down and your not quite sure how to get up again.

“I’m not sick but I’m not well” to quote Harvey Danger

Peace

D

Will the real D please stand up

OK I’ve realised I can no longer go round posting pictures of myself online from a decade ago so here’s a warts n all selfie.

Yes finally hairs starting to gray and looks like a cloud has settled on my head (will have to brave the torture of the barber soon; “so where did you go for holiday sir?”, “the mental hospital!”). All the midnight munching has led to a slowly growing second chin but hey at least my bhudda belly is out of shot.

There’s a vague smile, well that’s me being ‘stable’ allegedly. And yes I’m wearing my comfy fleece because yeah you know I really care about fashion.

I may have a lot of problems in my life, especially health wise but I will always bet optimistically truthful about what I am.

So this is real…

D