I am Fallen

Why strive so hard to make light win, do you think your love of good would lessen your sins.

If the sun shone all night how would you know day, and every comment you tell undermines your say.

I do not wallow in the dark and suffering of others, but I appreciate that with light you have dark, like sisters have brothers.

It’s a game of life you fool yourself with, that if white wins there are no losers, but when you blind me with your martyrdom it’s me on my knees, with bruises.

I am dark and I shine like a negative sun casting white shadows, for how can you have, when cannot accept what you cannot have.

Love me for what I am, instead you try to fashion me an angel … Though I am fallen.

D May 2017

Spring Squirrels

Trigger warning; suicide

Where was I as the empire crumbled? amongst the bird calls of the forest. When the guns were blazing in the distant I lay on a log to rest.

Staring at spring squirrels playing in the branches as my home burnt to the ground. Please remember to mention me when the last of you fall like feather’s without sound.

I’ll bleed out here amongst the badger’s set, you’ll realize, in this game, there was no safe bet.

As my body grows cold on the ground my spirit will slip into the woods, one last footprint where I stood.

D March 2017

Grace

It’s one thing that you grace my presence, its another to take it all for granted. I have a face that you never see but you say my love is all that you wanted.

Thanks for the words but without the slightest of touch, it’s a hollow heart and as my hand slips from yours it doesn’t seem like much.

Thanks but did you notice I was dead on the inside, the petals of our courtship falling down, while my soul glides…

… Looking for tribe, a place to belong.  A safe space, trying to keep holding on.

The air cools and I inhale, breathe, the slight pounding of my heart reminding me that I’m actually alive. I dread the dawn and wonder how I will survive.

Everything I had I gave to you, now that’s gone and I’m running on fumes, is there any space left in your soul before I pull this trigger … Boom.

D March 2017

Black

electro_

Till this life has nothing but tears in my soul,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I find myself tipping into that dark hole,
hearing the black reaching in so foul.

Till this time has stopped and lost my fate,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I can feel the demons burning with hate,
hearing the black, with the devil yowls.

Till this darkness cover the silence cold,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I see nothing now but mist that lies hold,
hearing the black, fearing the black.

Till life do us apart, tears in my soul,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I don’t know how I let this be the goal,
to hear the black swallowing me whole.

Why do you call me?
this is not what we needed to see,
dark thoughts just let me,
please be, please be….

D 2011

(This is an old one that I tinkered with a bit, it has an difficult rhythm that I was never quite happy with but expressed as best I could the falling feel I get when I’m down.)

Forest

In dark woods I lay, ensnared by my own thinking, I stare at the bare branches without even blinking.

I feel the mossy soil beneath my body shifting, taking me further down, I’m drifting.

There is nothing between me and the center of earth, maybe when I get there my soul will give birth…

…to another time, another place. A shard of time where I feel safe.

For now I’m lost in this forest of trees, but my god, you won’t find me bent on my knees.

My emotions may swallow me whole and dig me deep down into this neverending hole.

But I still have my pride and I’m this side of sane, though after tonight, it will never be the same.

D Jan 2017

Just passing through

It occurred to me that I haven’t just blogged a post that wasn’t poetry for a while. So here goes.

Well how have things been going for me. Much better, I have more good days than bad and am far away from the thinking that was so terminal before Christmas. I have a good medical support network who I can’t thank enough. I’m being moved from sodium valporate (depokote) to lithium as it seems my body has just got to used to that mood stabiliser even on very high doses. I’ve had all the blood tests done that I need to start and I’m hoping to switch soon.

I still have my lows and highs and terrible insomnia but I’m getting there. I start my volunteers work again next week which I’m really looking forward to. Kinda felt a bit trapped in the house this winter. I’m playing my flight simulators on the PC again which shows  my concentration is coming back, still not to hot on the reading though. Reading more that a few pages of a book is often the last thing to come back to me after an episode. TV, well I’m just to emotionally charged to ever really get into TV, I’ll stick to my music. I got a new turntable from my Mum for Christmas and its been quite awesome going through my vinyl. Lots of good memories from my DJ days.

My Daughter, though challenging some days, has mostly been a joy but I find it hard sometimes to be the disciplinarian, as often when she’s been naughty she only listens to me and laughs in my wife’s face. Still she did say ‘You’re the daddy I always wanted!’ to me the other day which just melted my heart, so I guess my fears of being a Bipolar dad are unfounded.

I’m finding blogging my poetry a bit of an emotional risk but thankfully everyone so far has been really complimentary about it. So thanks to all of you.

In all I feel like I’m getting somewhere for once. Long may it continue.

Take care all

D

Driving

The roadside barrier zooms past in flickering, I wish we could of stopped our bickering.

Now I’m on the road with no destination, my arm bares the marks of my hesitation.

Its four am, dead time and the motorway is clear, I didn’t know my resentment was so dear.

Do I twist this wheel in my hand and bring the end, or slow it down and slowly go round the bend.

I have a mind that wants to die, a mind that wants to fly and soul that wants to cry.

So I stare at the cats eyes on the road, kept it straight, I have no where to go.

D Jan 2017

Fog

The valley I call home fills with fog, I wish sometimes I had a dog.

I could fit in with the other walkers, not terrified of my lonely stalker’s.

I stare out my window from the edge of my bed, a million running thoughts in my head.

I pray to the the gods that may care for me, is there anything else I could be,

Hoping I survive another day of fog, still wishing I had beaten that dog.

D Jan 2017

(Just for note I’m not condoning animal cruelty by writing about beating dogs, its reference for the term ‘beating the black dog’, as in getting over depression.)