Cussing Concussion

So I’ve been absent sometime. So reasons. Actually not mental health based. Recently my cpn declared my bi-polar as ‘in remission’ and I’m about to be discharged from the mental health services and back to the GP. Which is a major win. Taking a long effort of the right meds, environment, meditation, counselling and pure bloody mindedness to get well.

No, what I actually did to take me out of action is cutting down a small tree with a bow saw only to stand straight up into, at full force, the last remaining tree limb, that was half cut with a sharp tounge that dug in the the top of my head! After the blood was cleared away the wound was not to bad but I was heavily concussed. That then went into post concussion syndrome. Something your more prone to get if you have a history of poor mental health, yay!

I spent 2 weeks in bed, the world spinning on its axis, unable to tolerate sunlight, noise, movement. Could only walk with the aid of my hiking stick’s. With the headache from hell. Very very slowly I’ve recovered, I only started driving again two weeks ago, walking without a stick last week, listening to music without getting a pounding headache Monday, and just yesterday using the big computer to continue my Java and android studies. I did manage to care for my daughter during half term despite this and not got totally back on the downside because I had/couldn’t find anyway to keep myself occupied while sitting in a dark, quiet room for weeks.

So that’s my end of summer. I hope you beautiful people on WordPress have had a better time of it. I have read the odd post but it’s been hard to engage. Hopefully this will be a turning point and I can put some effort back in.

Anyway PCS sucks, and there is in fact a big difference between a clinical depression and an injury that’s just making down right miserable.

Take care all,

D x

Half of what I’ve seen

My head’s in a vice, no way to break this artifice, punishing headache, to make or break it this time.

Maybe the drugs, maybe the illness, weeks of living without fullfilness. Needles tear at my arm as they extract the reason of harm.

I look at the world through half closed eyes, so tired, so mired, so sick of feeling this way. I used to half a lot to say … Now silence. Hiding the violence that rages inside.

Peace is a transient thing, like love on a new wing. I hold back all the tears for everything I could have been, but honestly, you would not believe half of what I’ve seen.

D July 2017

I am Fallen

Why strive so hard to make light win, do you think your love of good would lessen your sins.

If the sun shone all night how would you know day, and every comment you tell undermines your say.

I do not wallow in the dark and suffering of others, but I appreciate that with light you have dark, like sisters have brothers.

It’s a game of life you fool yourself with, that if white wins there are no losers, but when you blind me with your martyrdom it’s me on my knees, with bruises.

I am dark and I shine like a negative sun casting white shadows, for how can you have, when cannot accept what you cannot have.

Love me for what I am, instead you try to fashion me an angel … Though I am fallen.

D May 2017

Spring Squirrels

Trigger warning; suicide

Where was I as the empire crumbled? amongst the bird calls of the forest. When the guns were blazing in the distant I lay on a log to rest.

Staring at spring squirrels playing in the branches as my home burnt to the ground. Please remember to mention me when the last of you fall like feather’s without sound.

I’ll bleed out here amongst the badger’s set, you’ll realize, in this game, there was no safe bet.

As my body grows cold on the ground my spirit will slip into the woods, one last footprint where I stood.

D March 2017

Grace

It’s one thing that you grace my presence, its another to take it all for granted. I have a face that you never see but you say my love is all that you wanted.

Thanks for the words but without the slightest of touch, it’s a hollow heart and as my hand slips from yours it doesn’t seem like much.

Thanks but did you notice I was dead on the inside, the petals of our courtship falling down, while my soul glides…

… Looking for tribe, a place to belong.  A safe space, trying to keep holding on.

The air cools and I inhale, breathe, the slight pounding of my heart reminding me that I’m actually alive. I dread the dawn and wonder how I will survive.

Everything I had I gave to you, now that’s gone and I’m running on fumes, is there any space left in your soul before I pull this trigger … Boom.

D March 2017

Black

electro_

Till this life has nothing but tears in my soul,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I find myself tipping into that dark hole,
hearing the black reaching in so foul.

Till this time has stopped and lost my fate,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I can feel the demons burning with hate,
hearing the black, with the devil yowls.

Till this darkness cover the silence cold,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I see nothing now but mist that lies hold,
hearing the black, fearing the black.

Till life do us apart, tears in my soul,
hearing the black coming for me now.
I don’t know how I let this be the goal,
to hear the black swallowing me whole.

Why do you call me?
this is not what we needed to see,
dark thoughts just let me,
please be, please be….

D 2011

(This is an old one that I tinkered with a bit, it has an difficult rhythm that I was never quite happy with but expressed as best I could the falling feel I get when I’m down.)

Forest

In dark woods I lay, ensnared by my own thinking, I stare at the bare branches without even blinking.

I feel the mossy soil beneath my body shifting, taking me further down, I’m drifting.

There is nothing between me and the center of earth, maybe when I get there my soul will give birth…

…to another time, another place. A shard of time where I feel safe.

For now I’m lost in this forest of trees, but my god, you won’t find me bent on my knees.

My emotions may swallow me whole and dig me deep down into this neverending hole.

But I still have my pride and I’m this side of sane, though after tonight, it will never be the same.

D Jan 2017

Just passing through

It occurred to me that I haven’t just blogged a post that wasn’t poetry for a while. So here goes.

Well how have things been going for me. Much better, I have more good days than bad and am far away from the thinking that was so terminal before Christmas. I have a good medical support network who I can’t thank enough. I’m being moved from sodium valporate (depokote) to lithium as it seems my body has just got to used to that mood stabiliser even on very high doses. I’ve had all the blood tests done that I need to start and I’m hoping to switch soon.

I still have my lows and highs and terrible insomnia but I’m getting there. I start my volunteers work again next week which I’m really looking forward to. Kinda felt a bit trapped in the house this winter. I’m playing my flight simulators on the PC again which shows  my concentration is coming back, still not to hot on the reading though. Reading more that a few pages of a book is often the last thing to come back to me after an episode. TV, well I’m just to emotionally charged to ever really get into TV, I’ll stick to my music. I got a new turntable from my Mum for Christmas and its been quite awesome going through my vinyl. Lots of good memories from my DJ days.

My Daughter, though challenging some days, has mostly been a joy but I find it hard sometimes to be the disciplinarian, as often when she’s been naughty she only listens to me and laughs in my wife’s face. Still she did say ‘You’re the daddy I always wanted!’ to me the other day which just melted my heart, so I guess my fears of being a Bipolar dad are unfounded.

I’m finding blogging my poetry a bit of an emotional risk but thankfully everyone so far has been really complimentary about it. So thanks to all of you.

In all I feel like I’m getting somewhere for once. Long may it continue.

Take care all

D