The last island

I stand an island now, wrecked by your tsunami, it makes the conversation hard, with your quips ready like an army.

You know I used to braver, I used to have two good legs, I had my honour and my armour, and I’m not going to break and beg.

I don’t won’t to stir your anger, bare skin ready for your arrows, so I lay shipwrecked on my own sorrows. Island of myself, but in it I find a grain of wealth.

Time will erode these feelings, and in the end it will put in the past all our shit dealings.

I’m alone but I fear no more, I’m broken but I fear no more, I’m alive and breathing, so I fear no more.

I stand an island and lifes waters caress my shores, and I fear no more.

D Jun 2017

Rays

Suddenly there was a ray of hope welling in my spine, it happened overnight, no chaos, no almighty fight.

I just had to say no … Then let you go.

And as for once I shined love on myself, instead of you, my power returns and I’ve found my flow.

D April 2017

Spring Rains

Embrace me, surround me, fill my lungs with your violet scent, send a shiver down my spine, make it how it was ment.

I admit I got lost somewhere along the line, easy for soul to drift out to sea, you fought hard against the strong undercurrent, just so we could be.

But now that tether that binds us seems frayed, withering, undone. So hold tighter before we vanish in the fog, let dawn break with warming sun …

… And maybe like the first spring flower were bloom again, and love will stay and not get washed away by the spring rains.

D March 2017

Damage

aphyxYour won’t believe me but OK, it wasn’t meant to be this way,
maybe I could have stopped in my tracks, listen to your say.
You saw the wall I was about drive into, no brakes on this one,
but there it is, what can I do for hurt I’ve already done?

So the past bounces around my head like dodging flying lead,
I wish I could get your face out of mind, there’s secrets no one should find.
If never stops, this assault, how’d i get this ghost, was it all my fault?

Primal chaos rules my life, anger and calm, wash over me like waves in a storm.

I need you just to take my hand and say it’s OK, instead your walking away, all of five feet to plug into the latest buzz on TV.

D March 2017

Memories

weirdSo what to do with a shiny new URL, well how about some of my memories before I upload some more poetry.

My oldest memory is being pushed in my buggy through a field with fighter aircraft either side of me, my mum possibly thought it may be an airshow we went to. Coincidentally my oldest nightmare is being in a aircraft hanger with a British Vulcan bomber as the nuclear payload malfunctions and I wake up with a jolt as the fire burns. This leads to some time spent in the Air Training Corps 285 Squadron much later in life, but I did not stay long. I wanted to fly and my eyesight was to poor so I was relegated to engineering. Obvious a big gap between those two memories but for some reason the shadow of the military has always hung over my life. Even in my civilian life as a motorcycle courier I had to sign the OSA (Official Secrets Act) because of some of the sites I had to visit. I have a memory of my Uncles funeral and the priest mentioning his time in the Korean war. Another of my Grandfathers position in the Air-force during WW2, which we weren’t really allowed to talk about until a few years ago. Memories of books on firearms as a teenager on my book shelf. Shadows of the unsaid and ‘Mums the word!’ attitude. All before my mental health went nuclear in 1998. For some reason this past year I have been gluing together the tapestry of my life with the help of my Councillor. Amazingly what was blocked from my minds eye just a few years ago, I now seem to have fallen into a period of total recall. Including what went down during my 5 admissions to Royal Bethlem Hospital under section.

Why do I mention all this, well throw hyper-manic paranoia and memory like this and it can get very messy. What’s real, what’s a ghost and what’s just a maybe?

So I tuck it all away in corner of my mind. Heavy memory compression in a tight corner of mind and what seeps out around the edges I put into my arts. Really I’m kinda OK with it all but sometimes I just want to disappear, disown my life.

Well I’ll stop boring you for now and get on with living.

Peace D

ET

Sorry I thought you were from another planet, the way you came to love me despite our fates, how we overcame our petty hates.

Sorry I thought you had landed from Venus, wrapped in silk and scent of the air, how I fell back into your arms without a fear or a care.

Sorry that I broke your space ship, I’m glad you got it fixed and came back to me. Second time around you’re a wonder to see.

Sorry that we’re now bound for life, twisted round each other thorns and all. Really I know its from the stars we fall.

D Feb 2017

Heart

golden2eNothings right when nothings wrong,
keep me singing on this old song.
See how far I get gone.

When it all comes down to this,
between the stains and well … wish,
for something better than a miss.

Wash my mind clean right out,
going another round, another bout.
Clean the sins within without.

Help me feel anything right,
help me see another day light.
I can call on your might.

In my reality you never part,
far from the reaches of my heart,
Keep me close to your start,
keep me close to your heart.

D 2013

(After a rather nervous appointment at my doctors I came home to my wife who’s wrapped up in the duvet because she has a stinking cold. It made me realize that no matter how bad my mental health gets I’m one of the lucky ones to have someone to come home to, so this poem is for her).

Just passing through

It occurred to me that I haven’t just blogged a post that wasn’t poetry for a while. So here goes.

Well how have things been going for me. Much better, I have more good days than bad and am far away from the thinking that was so terminal before Christmas. I have a good medical support network who I can’t thank enough. I’m being moved from sodium valporate (depokote) to lithium as it seems my body has just got to used to that mood stabiliser even on very high doses. I’ve had all the blood tests done that I need to start and I’m hoping to switch soon.

I still have my lows and highs and terrible insomnia but I’m getting there. I start my volunteers work again next week which I’m really looking forward to. Kinda felt a bit trapped in the house this winter. I’m playing my flight simulators on the PC again which shows  my concentration is coming back, still not to hot on the reading though. Reading more that a few pages of a book is often the last thing to come back to me after an episode. TV, well I’m just to emotionally charged to ever really get into TV, I’ll stick to my music. I got a new turntable from my Mum for Christmas and its been quite awesome going through my vinyl. Lots of good memories from my DJ days.

My Daughter, though challenging some days, has mostly been a joy but I find it hard sometimes to be the disciplinarian, as often when she’s been naughty she only listens to me and laughs in my wife’s face. Still she did say ‘You’re the daddy I always wanted!’ to me the other day which just melted my heart, so I guess my fears of being a Bipolar dad are unfounded.

I’m finding blogging my poetry a bit of an emotional risk but thankfully everyone so far has been really complimentary about it. So thanks to all of you.

In all I feel like I’m getting somewhere for once. Long may it continue.

Take care all

D

Old Stories

Yeah that’s great my family suffered to. Old stories bringing meaning to the things that I do.

I’m sorry to have inconvenience you so, and my state of mind you probably did not want to know.

But I’m here in my head, after you have gone. Listening to much to meaningful old songs.

Yeah I could take the blame for being so insane, but spare your blessings, I just feel the pain.

Tomorrow will come and it will all be forgotten, it’s me in my head, not you. So lies lead to rotten.

I’ll watch the record turn one more time, at least the feelings I have are mine.

D Jan 2017