Small Wins

So I went swimming today and managed a few lengths, despite my AS killing me in the shoulder and spine and the fact there were other people in the pool. It’s not that I don’t like people it’s just there random and unpredictable. I love good company but go into meltdown whenever I’m near to many. Ironically I used to be a party person surrounded by dancing nutters to loud drum and bass.

How things change.

Anyway if I make it again to the pool I might actually qualify as someone who swims! My god a hobby that isn’t based on technology.

Oh and the pool shower has turned my hair into a cloud again, maybe I should also practice at man who gets his haircut.

Peace

D

Microlapse

When you start thinking you’re relapsing because of a physical illness pulling you down and your not quite sure how to get up again.

“I’m not sick but I’m not well” to quote Harvey Danger

Peace

D

Will the real D please stand up

OK I’ve realised I can no longer go round posting pictures of myself online from a decade ago so here’s a warts n all selfie.

Yes finally hairs starting to gray and looks like a cloud has settled on my head (will have to brave the torture of the barber soon; “so where did you go for holiday sir?”, “the mental hospital!”). All the midnight munching has led to a slowly growing second chin but hey at least my bhudda belly is out of shot.

There’s a vague smile, well that’s me being ‘stable’ allegedly. And yes I’m wearing my comfy fleece because yeah you know I really care about fashion.

I may have a lot of problems in my life, especially health wise but I will always bet optimistically truthful about what I am.

So this is real…

D

Heavy Armour

Side by side we were bullet proof, then the bomb went off and blew the roof.

My armour shattered and I was in the world alone, bare feet on concrete, well outside the green zone.

Waiting for the cracking of my bones, because look what’s it’s come to, hand on phone…

…world war three in my head, as I hear the dial tone… But I know you’re already gone, nothing more than a memory of love and song.

D October 2018

Broken Friends

So yeah I didn’t call but you never noticed.

You didn’t come because you were to busy waiting for a new phone, then you decided to get pissed.

True friends don’t mind all this hey?

But planting a gaslight in my head is a’ok?

I don’t want to know about your dungeons, your dark places. There are places blacker than black I’ve been. So let’s just keep all this to ourselves hey, for me it’s not fair to shine light on the demons I’ve seen.

Anyway your probably to busy on your newish phone to ever read this, after all you have 300 friends on Facebook who’s daily prattling you don’t want to miss.

But there will be a gap in the shadow of where you were, as you were the last of the broken friends to care.

D September 2018

Time to Ride….

So all things must come to pass. As I approach a stable period of my bipolar I’ve decided to set up another blog and discuss there the things that bipolar doesn’t define about me. I may mention it in passing but I have a huge amount to say about other things other than bipolar.

No doubt, I’ll have my ups and downs so I’ll occasionally put my Poetry here but even that I’m taking mostly back into the personal realm as I’m preparing a poetry submission for Faber & Faber and some other publishers.

The new blog is simply for my thoughts on the world from my closet corner of England.

So those still with me here’s the link;

Last Human Standing

Peace

D

Digital Highway to Hell

We all leave a trace of ourselves out there wherever we go.

Sometimes it’s only fair that we reap what we sow.

They call for the singularity and I say “hell no” .

We cross that line there is no retreat, no safe zone.

No little place in the corner of the server to call our own.

When ‘he’ shows up I’ll have my pitch fork and 300 baud modem ready.

Until then just got to keep it calm and steady; as I’ve seen where this digital highways ends… Not a place for ‘likes’ with ‘friends’.

Every key press recorded, every moment ordered, categorized, analysed, summarised.

Are you a human unit worth keeping? Or we will wash up on a beach, smartphone phone in hand, far far away from your homeland.

D September 2018

Gone Fishing?

So much for me staying focused, writing daily on one of my unfinished novels then lead to wanting to have a character from a different culture in it, which then lead to me brushing up on my French. I used to travel a lot in France as a teenager and was semi fluent and even after all these years of thinking I’d forgotten it all, the audio book I’m learning has brought back great memories from before my ‘diagnosed conditions’, drinking wine on beaches, scuba diving, cycling a strange half skateboard half bicycle contraption around the village, getting my name all over the arcade machine out side the local store, listening to Jean Michael Jarre’s Rendezvous as we drove into the mountains, getting a bee stuck in the car and the accelerator pedal getting trapped down in the car while my mum panicked doing 129mph down outside lane until she managed to get keys out of the ignition. Staying in haunted hotels and not getting a wink of sleep. Also many other snippets and feelings of memories. I so want to go back now but with this Brexit mess I don’t know how practical it is, nor do I think that the France of the 80s is anything like the one of today.

Au Revoir

Paix

D