Olazapine (The creativity killer)

Apart from the permanent hunger and morning sleepyness the worst thing about Olazapine is it almost completely kills my desire to be creative, active or be capable of much but watch TV and play games on my tablet. Even find reading harder than normal (and I’ve always found prose difficult to read)

So I may post some old work up here but for now I’m dry. Hopefully this drug is just a temporary measure to combat the paranoia. Though the reason I think it works with paranoid feelings is because you can no longer be arsed or give a shit what people think or may do to you.

Anyway Lazy Peace D xxx

Heaven and Hell

To quote the mission;

“I still believe in God [but I beleive] God no longer believes in me.”

When you get prescribed pills that specifically state they are for ‘mistaken beliefs’ you begin to question everything. Can you go beyond good and evil? Will all that am be nothing but a CAT scan on an ancient hardrive in museum of the future marked as ‘That period when we nearly destroyed everything … again’.

I pray for my family it isn’t but I’ve seen some pretty dark stuff recently and I see very little God in mans inherent ability to be totally evil. And blaming Satan is a handy legal get out but I don’t buy it. Rockets and artillery arnt guided by Satan OS.

I feel like putting half the friggin planet on the thinking step. What is wrong you people, you have children blown to pieces, skin falling off and you say I have mistaken beliefs! (And yes I have witnessed all the gore first hand, you get that after working in a hospital, you know when you sane people fuck up and loose your leg in a car accident while stoned) I’m glad to be mistaken. I’m glad not to be in your gang. But hell I’m sure there’s some drug war you can get caught up in, or a new episode of East Enders and a bottle of wine.

Nothing’s changed, Zombie Nation and this angry rant will just disappear into the ether.

Maybe we deserve this. I still see birds feeding from my bird table. I feel so far away from them but there a foot in front of me. They didn’t ask for this. Maybe that’s why God no longer loves me.

Peace D

Paranoid Triggers

Woke up from heavy sleep today. I’m temporary on olazapine to stop getting triggered from everything. I mean it was getting stupid, just the words or the phrase ‘I’m not German’ spoken by a nurse at the hospital would send me into a blind panic meaning I would spend the next 8 hours on my laptop working out if I was German, or the laptop was German, or if my socks were German, etc, etc…. This has happened before during hypermania meltdown. Both Eire and Italia got it. I once threw out a full bottle of Marmite believing it was Italian. Obviously this kind of behaviour can be very offensive to my chosen country of paranoid targeting. But I’m out of it now. So sorry, that was hyper mind not the person I consider myself to really be.

I’ve known people from all those countries and like people the world over there’s good and bad. So to Eireanne you rock, To Eisbrecher you rock (literally) and the man who’s name I forget because I was only 8 years old but taught me how to ride a motorcycle (scooter) in northern Italy you are the most awesome of awesome. And to keep this post positive I’m not going to mention, as my daughter would say ‘the bad’uns’.

Peace D