Half of what I’ve seen

My head’s in a vice, no way to break this artifice, punishing headache, to make or break it this time.

Maybe the drugs, maybe the illness, weeks of living without fullfilness. Needles tear at my arm as they extract the reason of harm.

I look at the world through half closed eyes, so tired, so mired, so sick of feeling this way. I used to half a lot to say … Now silence. Hiding the violence that rages inside.

Peace is a transient thing, like love on a new wing. I hold back all the tears for everything I could have been, but honestly, you would not believe half of what I’ve seen.

D July 2017


I just had to compress 20 years of mental health history into a 20 minute appointment. Stressful, but at least I got the help I needed this time, the drugs that make me sleep like nearly all the time are being replaced with something else. It will be nice wake up in the morning without the drug cloud on my head and not get the munchies in the middle of the night.

I’m kinda nervous about the change and maybe I’m putting to much faith in it but to honest I could not continue this way. I need to be there for my Daughter in the morning not walking round like the undead. Shame I had to raise an official complaint about my psychiatrist to get him into action. Still that’s the NHS lottey, sometimes you get the greatest most committed members of staff, sometimes you get someone who you wonder how the hell they ever got the job.

So as this change happens my posts will no doubt reflect it. Sometimes I wonder if these drugs actually change my personality, will I be the same me, guess time will tell.

Peace be upon you,


Morning Fog

Morning brings a foggy head, clouded, like swimming in oil, not a lot I can do about it now, I just wish I was more grounded in the soil.

I sip coffee hoping for a lift, to fly again, be one hundred percent. But the haze persists, nothing I can do as my will is bent.

And every morning is like this, slow, unsteady, I know I need the pills that do this, but I wish it didn’t take hours to get ready.

D March 2017

Just passing through

It occurred to me that I haven’t just blogged a post that wasn’t poetry for a while. So here goes.

Well how have things been going for me. Much better, I have more good days than bad and am far away from the thinking that was so terminal before Christmas. I have a good medical support network who I can’t thank enough. I’m being moved from sodium valporate (depokote) to lithium as it seems my body has just got to used to that mood stabiliser even on very high doses. I’ve had all the blood tests done that I need to start and I’m hoping to switch soon.

I still have my lows and highs and terrible insomnia but I’m getting there. I start my volunteers work again next week which I’m really looking forward to. Kinda felt a bit trapped in the house this winter. I’m playing my flight simulators on the PC again which shows  my concentration is coming back, still not to hot on the reading though. Reading more that a few pages of a book is often the last thing to come back to me after an episode. TV, well I’m just to emotionally charged to ever really get into TV, I’ll stick to my music. I got a new turntable from my Mum for Christmas and its been quite awesome going through my vinyl. Lots of good memories from my DJ days.

My Daughter, though challenging some days, has mostly been a joy but I find it hard sometimes to be the disciplinarian, as often when she’s been naughty she only listens to me and laughs in my wife’s face. Still she did say ‘You’re the daddy I always wanted!’ to me the other day which just melted my heart, so I guess my fears of being a Bipolar dad are unfounded.

I’m finding blogging my poetry a bit of an emotional risk but thankfully everyone so far has been really complimentary about it. So thanks to all of you.

In all I feel like I’m getting somewhere for once. Long may it continue.

Take care all


I used to be …

… A lot braver. Well you have to be to trade as a motorcycle courier in London for 6 years. That seems like an eternity ago as now I’m jumping at shadows of shadow’s. Fear has replaced my head strong sense of personality and I’m not the person I was.

I’m blame the concoction of medicine that I’m on now for a lot of it. 20mg of Olazapine and the 5 other drugs I take have made me fat and lazy. The manic highs of outrageous confidence gone under a blanket of pharmaceuticals. This is why seeing the psychiatrist on the 21st is turning into my D-day. Something needs to change as this regime is not fit for purpose. Believe it or not I do what my active role in society back. To know that I can rely on my abilities to get things done instead of slowly sinking in this mud of depression.

To long now I haven’t felt like myself. Yes real life issues play out, like my wife not finding the job she wants and getting turned down for things she’s well over qualified for and I have a 3 year old causing carnage as she learns to deal with the world but really what I feel is beyond those realms. It blacker than black, it’s my dragon.

And I will find a way to deal with her.



Well That Went Well …

meadowMy new CPN came to visit me today and after a half hour chat I’m feeling a lot more positive. I’ve been given that rare opportunity to see a real live Psychiatrist for a  medications review that’s like three years overdue. Also I’m allowed to gobble the Tammy’s for a few nights to knock me out and hopefully get some decent sleep and lord I need it. I keep having cat naps during the day to get by which is kinda is difficult when you’re responsible for a 3 year old (Thankfully the overworked wife steps in at these moments).

Still it was surreal sitting at the kitchen table with a stranger discussing the various ways I had thought of removing myself from the planet like I was discussing different flavors of crisps. This is where my four years working in a hospital mix dangerously with this downward thinking. I know the best ways, if you catch my drift.

It did help me take stock that these are just thoughts and there is big leap between thought and action … still my wife has the car keys, just in case.

The UK NHS psychiatric system is overworked and at breaking point but I’m so glad that they are there. Seriously I don’t know what would have happened Monday if it wasn’t for them.

So yes it went well, it’s still moody and dark in my head but there are people around me helping me through it and I’m lucky for that. There are a lot who have not been so lucky, I know this as that is the work load I used to have to deal with when I worked at the NHS hospital.




Is more medication always the answer?

Apparently yes if you ask the professionals. I mean its obvious I’m on the down side of a bipolar ride and it’s getting worse and yes I do feel thankful I’m getting some medical help but it does not seem to help with the feeling that my soul is burnt out. I still laugh and smile but its a facade on an old familiar building.
I know my life could be a lot worse. I’m not in Aleppo getting shelled, I’m not at standing rock facing off the police. I’m just here in little England feeling feelings that have no logic to the reality I face. In fact if I had some great cause to fight for I might feel better about it all. Feeling with meaning instead of just feeling.

So I’ll take the extra pills tonight and see what tomorrow brings. Maybe by dawn some spiritual revelation will happen about where or what I’m supposed to be doing. Currently I’m just a statistic in this western psychiatric machine.

One thing, I’m glad I’m here and alive. It’s not that bad yet and I guess without the dark you don’t notice the light. To be able to experience it all without fidgeting like a jack hammer would be nice.

Oh and thankyou to those who have read my posts and commented and liked. It is appreciated. Like some strange online self-help group its good just to make that human contact.




… I don’t appreciate being wrapped up in my families personal dramas. It instills great waves of anguish about the way I was treated the first time I was diagnosed with a mental health problem and to see them close ranks on someone else who really needs help leaves a bad feeling in my gut. Also I feel helpless as I know if I reach out to this person I would be deemed as taking sides.

Fortunately I moved a hundred miles away from the city they live in and their ‘issues’ a year ago and am afforded some protection but it doesn’t help the tension and the fact I’m back on the clomazpam. I had done really well to get off it this summer and I feel it’s falling apart a bit.

All I can do is breathe, breathe … In and out ….

I don’t if anyone else has such issues with family dynamics? It really messes with my flow.