Cussing Concussion

So I’ve been absent sometime. So reasons. Actually not mental health based. Recently my cpn declared my bi-polar as ‘in remission’ and I’m about to be discharged from the mental health services and back to the GP. Which is a major win. Taking a long effort of the right meds, environment, meditation, counselling and pure bloody mindedness to get well.

No, what I actually did to take me out of action is cutting down a small tree with a bow saw only to stand straight up into, at full force, the last remaining tree limb, that was half cut with a sharp tounge that dug in the the top of my head! After the blood was cleared away the wound was not to bad but I was heavily concussed. That then went into post concussion syndrome. Something your more prone to get if you have a history of poor mental health, yay!

I spent 2 weeks in bed, the world spinning on its axis, unable to tolerate sunlight, noise, movement. Could only walk with the aid of my hiking stick’s. With the headache from hell. Very very slowly I’ve recovered, I only started driving again two weeks ago, walking without a stick last week, listening to music without getting a pounding headache Monday, and just yesterday using the big computer to continue my Java and android studies. I did manage to care for my daughter during half term despite this and not got totally back on the downside because I had/couldn’t find anyway to keep myself occupied while sitting in a dark, quiet room for weeks.

So that’s my end of summer. I hope you beautiful people on WordPress have had a better time of it. I have read the odd post but it’s been hard to engage. Hopefully this will be a turning point and I can put some effort back in.

Anyway PCS sucks, and there is in fact a big difference between a clinical depression and an injury that’s just making down right miserable.

Take care all,

D x

Half of what I’ve seen

My head’s in a vice, no way to break this artifice, punishing headache, to make or break it this time.

Maybe the drugs, maybe the illness, weeks of living without fullfilness. Needles tear at my arm as they extract the reason of harm.

I look at the world through half closed eyes, so tired, so mired, so sick of feeling this way. I used to half a lot to say … Now silence. Hiding the violence that rages inside.

Peace is a transient thing, like love on a new wing. I hold back all the tears for everything I could have been, but honestly, you would not believe half of what I’ve seen.

D July 2017

Typhoon

They whisper in my ear, shaking my fragile sanity, siren calling my name, pointing out my egos vanity. I see shadows where there are none, they said these pills would put out the sun.

Maybe it’s my lineage, a family of narcissistic self interested tribe, I had always tried to hide, from them … Their duty, their attacks on my mind.

How fragile the soul, shored up with tinderstick beleif, but as I hold back a tear from the chaos, your image brings relief. A safe harbor from an impending typhoon, your heart, your breath, your lifes calming tune.

D Jun 2017

How

StockSnap_A6LNAZ887ZThe systems mucked up,
your out of true luck,
burnt the last trick,
skin only so thick,
shut it down now,
if I only knew how.

Look In the mirror and realize,
there is no other way to summarize,
it’s all there in your eyes.

The data is stuck backwards,
looking for the forwards,
the centrality’s lost control,
forcing your empty soul,
to shut it down now,
if I only knew how.

Look to the darkened sky and freeze,
nothing left for you do but seize,
the last dying moments of disease.

The constructs screwed for good,
came tumbling like I knew it would,
last black box failed,
no new god will be hailed,
shut it down now,
we all know how.

D 2013

(The world just seems crazy out there if you look at the news to much, this old poem just reminded me that maybe sometimes you just have to switch off.)

The last island

I stand an island now, wrecked by your tsunami, it makes the conversation hard, with your quips ready like an army.

You know I used to braver, I used to have two good legs, I had my honour and my armour, and I’m not going to break and beg.

I don’t won’t to stir your anger, bare skin ready for your arrows, so I lay shipwrecked on my own sorrows. Island of myself, but in it I find a grain of wealth.

Time will erode these feelings, and in the end it will put in the past all our shit dealings.

I’m alone but I fear no more, I’m broken but I fear no more, I’m alive and breathing, so I fear no more.

I stand an island and lifes waters caress my shores, and I fear no more.

D Jun 2017

Twin Flame

No, your not her, you have a shard of her soul, a reflection. Your manoeuvres have all been deflections.

She would not say the things you say, that illness is selfish, and I must be better in my ways.

I got dazzled by your lights, a stunned rabbit, to timid to get into fights.

No, your not her, not my twin flame, your soul is an empty expanse with no bridge between mine. And though you trap me with your words, I feel fine. I have trust in the universe, the intervention of the divine.

So busy yourself with the detail of every nonsensical moment, and let me be broken in the corner and bent. It’s not your place to ‘fix’ me … I’m staring at the sky so hard I can see her reflected in the breeze.

D May 2017

Canyon

These canyon walls bare silence to my anger, my rushing mind hushed to stillness.

Nature does not care for anguish, it tries it’s best to bring in life’s fullfilness.

But I stand like a broken pendulum, with no time left to count.

Me, this wall of stone, I begin to mount.

Maybe at the summit I’ll find my sanity kept safe, in nature’s lock.

D May 2017