So what to do with a shiny new URL, well how about some of my memories before I upload some more poetry.
My oldest memory is being pushed in my buggy through a field with fighter aircraft either side of me, my mum possibly thought it may be an airshow we went to. Coincidentally my oldest nightmare is being in a aircraft hanger with a British Vulcan bomber as the nuclear payload malfunctions and I wake up with a jolt as the fire burns. This leads to some time spent in the Air Training Corps 285 Squadron much later in life, but I did not stay long. I wanted to fly and my eyesight was to poor so I was relegated to engineering. Obvious a big gap between those two memories but for some reason the shadow of the military has always hung over my life. Even in my civilian life as a motorcycle courier I had to sign the OSA (Official Secrets Act) because of some of the sites I had to visit. I have a memory of my Uncles funeral and the priest mentioning his time in the Korean war. Another of my Grandfathers position in the Air-force during WW2, which we weren’t really allowed to talk about until a few years ago. Memories of books on firearms as a teenager on my book shelf. Shadows of the unsaid and ‘Mums the word!’ attitude. All before my mental health went nuclear in 1998. For some reason this past year I have been gluing together the tapestry of my life with the help of my Councillor. Amazingly what was blocked from my minds eye just a few years ago, I now seem to have fallen into a period of total recall. Including what went down during my 5 admissions to Royal Bethlem Hospital under section.
Why do I mention all this, well throw hyper-manic paranoia and memory like this and it can get very messy. What’s real, what’s a ghost and what’s just a maybe?
So I tuck it all away in corner of my mind. Heavy memory compression in a tight corner of mind and what seeps out around the edges I put into my arts. Really I’m kinda OK with it all but sometimes I just want to disappear, disown my life.
Well I’ll stop boring you for now and get on with living.