When the moral is low

Do you even care anymore, about these people’s lives you have in your hand. Do you realize that you are the end, the last barricade between over the edge and where we stand.

Have you become so sullen that we’re just numbers on a spreadsheet, do you know we’ve been waiting so long to see you in the rain and sleet.

Who gave you such complete control over my path, I hate to say it but I need your help. But I will not forget this lack of compassion and in the silence you won’t hear me yelp.

D March 2017

Old Ghosts With Smiling Faces

Well that was weird. A friend I had not spoken to in 25 years contacts me through Facebook. We had parted under clouds of animosity but I gave him a chance and it seems we still are friends.

You can’t unexperience the past. And when chance throws it back in your face you just have to take it as it comes.

Do I trust him? I barely trust myself. Though for four years he was my best friend and that counts for something and with so much destruction in my life, rebuilding one thing means a lot.

Also the new councillor is excellent and put my mind in a place where old ghosts aren’t such shockers.



Well That Went Well …

meadowMy new CPN came to visit me today and after a half hour chat I’m feeling a lot more positive. I’ve been given that rare opportunity to see a real live Psychiatrist for a  medications review that’s like three years overdue. Also I’m allowed to gobble the Tammy’s for a few nights to knock me out and hopefully get some decent sleep and lord I need it. I keep having cat naps during the day to get by which is kinda is difficult when you’re responsible for a 3 year old (Thankfully the overworked wife steps in at these moments).

Still it was surreal sitting at the kitchen table with a stranger discussing the various ways I had thought of removing myself from the planet like I was discussing different flavors of crisps. This is where my four years working in a hospital mix dangerously with this downward thinking. I know the best ways, if you catch my drift.

It did help me take stock that these are just thoughts and there is big leap between thought and action … still my wife has the car keys, just in case.

The UK NHS psychiatric system is overworked and at breaking point but I’m so glad that they are there. Seriously I don’t know what would have happened Monday if it wasn’t for them.

So yes it went well, it’s still moody and dark in my head but there are people around me helping me through it and I’m lucky for that. There are a lot who have not been so lucky, I know this as that is the work load I used to have to deal with when I worked at the NHS hospital.




Honestly Dishonest

KI’m putting everything on hold for a while. Well that’s what I’m telling myself. I was supposed to attend my wildlife conservation today and I cancelled on a part truth. It’s raining heavily (true), and I can’t get my ear wet due to the burst ear drum I got a couple of weeks ago (not so true as it’s mostly healed now). Really the world just feels too peoply at the moment and I don’t won’t to deal with the public. People are random and do random things and I’d rather snuggle my cat right now.

Also I was supposed to see my councillor tonight but she cancelled on me as she’s off sick. I cancelled on her last week as my ear was exploding. Karma hey!  Could have really have done with her time tonight. So I have my surrogate councillor, which seems to be this blog.

So lots if cancelling going on. Maybe it will give me a chance to meditate today, I haven’t for a few days and I find it really helps calm my mind. I hate the term mindfulness but I’ve kinda developed my own technique mixing up Zen, mindfulness and some runic mediations. As my daughter is at preschool and all my other plans have been cancelled its the most productive activity I can think of today to help this slightly off kilter way I’m feeling. That and saving the world with my latent dragon super powers!

Peace be upon you